A Young Girl's Confession

A girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake.

Embarrassing Situations

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean #5000?"

The Chinese Baby

Just like the Nigerian couple in London that gave birth to a white baby,

a Chinese couple in ikoyi, Nigeria gave birth to a black baby

and the husband ask the wife,  chu, why baby black?

chu replied,  we live in Nigeria,  no electricity, you hot, me hot, sex hot, baby burnt!

In A Minute

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, "G-d, what's a million years to you?"
And G-d said "A minute."
Then the man asked:
"Well, what's a million dollars to you?"
and G-d said: "A penny"
Then the man asked:
"G-d, can I have a penny?"
And G-d said:
"Sure, In a minute."

After 15yrs in Prison

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Disgrace to The Family

A young girl was going on a date.
Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.

He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let Him do that.
He is going to try and feel your bosom, you are going to like that but don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that,
but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:

Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family, " Granny fainted,

Hello Asshole

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

MI-6 cabled the White House: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down. . .

Silent Fart

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed
that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just
let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your
hearing aid."

The Farmer's Watermelon

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon
inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have
been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating
situation. So he puts up a sign that reads, "WARNING: ONE
OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of
the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another
sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Prayer Time

An innocent 5 year old girl was asked to pray during their pastors visit to their home, Her prayer went,

"Dear God, this hammatan season, please send clothes to all those poor unclothed ladies in Daddy's Cell phone and those that come visiting almost unclothed whenever mummy travels, & build house and put bed to the homeless men who come to sleep with mum when dad is at work

Cab Driver In Heaven

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

"I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."

"Our policy here in heaven is to reward results," God explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"

"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed."

An Hour Of Pleasure

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Do Hearts Have Legs?

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."

The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"

Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."

Wrong Number

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg, **

girl:'Hello?'

man: Hi honey.
man: This is Daddy.
man: Is Mommy near the phone?'

girl: 'No, Daddy.
girl: She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

girl: 'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
man: Right now?'

Brief Pause.

man: Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
man: Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

girl: 'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.

girl: 'I did it, Daddy.'

man: 'And what happened, honey?'

girl: 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

man: Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

girl: 'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too he was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
girl: But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it so he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

Then Daddy says,
'Swimming pool?

man: Is this the house number 486-5731?'*

girl: No, I think you have the wrong number,

How Big Is The Clock?

Customer care representative: The engineers are WORKING around the clock to rectify the problem , please be patient sir.

Client: Dont the engineers have better ways to solve the problem than to WALK
round the clock and by the way HOW BIG IS THE CLOCK?

World Record

A widow was told that her son, a sprinter has broken the
world record in world 100m athletics championship.

The old woman screamed and went crying,

"ever since he was a boy, he used to break plates, bottles, tv, everything in the
house and I would be the one to replace them, How would I now replace the world record?

The Palmwine Tapper

A Palm wine tapper fell from a palm tree, landing on the ground like a pineapple.

He checked out himself, realizing he did not sustain any injury. He looked up to the sky and
said: God, if this is a joke, you better stop it.

Secrets Adults Keep

Little junior went to school one day and told his friend that he wanted to know how to make money d easy way. His friend told him that all adults all have a dark secret to keep so all he has to do is just to go to them and tell them that "i know the whole truth".

Junior was happy so he went home and when his mum came back, he told her "mum i know the whole truth", his mum was scared so she gave him 20$ and told him not to tell anyone, also when his dad came back, he told his dad "dad, i know the whole truth" his dad too was scared so he gave him 40$ and begged him not to tell anyone.

Little junior was feeling smart so he decided to do it to another person. When the mailman came to deliver their mails, junior went to d man and told him "i know the whole truth". The mailman just said, "Good, thank God u know the truth now, so come now and hug your FATHER!!!!"

Husband writes to his wife

Husband Writes to wife:

Dearest Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart,

Your caring and loving husband.

His wife replied back after some days to her husband.

Dearest Sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. The landlord comes every day and takes two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items.
5. Other expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I have the remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan in the same way for next month?

Please Advise!

Your faithful wife.

Who among these 3 would u Pardon?

1st: Jeanne told my friend she prefers London to UK that’s
why she's not been to UK.

2nd: Poor Godwin took Ada out, asked if she wanted
sharwama but she declined saying, "sorry I don’t take
alcohol”.

3rd: Sussie told her man she just graduated and he
asks, “what’s next? Community Service, right! She says, no
I don’t like that course, too much calculation involved
that’s why I didn’t study it.

Mr. Joe in the Library

One day a Mr.Joe goes to a library and asks for a book.
The beautiful librarian asks him the name of the book.
Joe says: "Psycho The Rapist"
The Librarian searches for the book for a long time, comes back, slaps Joe and says: You fool! It is "Psychotherapist"

Watch Out For The Wall

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.


She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"

How Women Goes To Heaven

A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her bosoms.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they
inflate and float you up to heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite
satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes
into the kitchen. "Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her
balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling,

"God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"

Love In The Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device, a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

A Woman Once Prayed. . .

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man!
Love to forgive him.
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN.

Three Monks Came For ConFession

One day three monks were told by the minister that today was their day off, to do whatever they want, and at the end of the day, God would forgive them of their sins.

The monks thought this sounded like a good idea so they went off into the city. At the end of the day the three monks returned to the church and the minister greeted them.

The first monk came up, and the minister asked, "What did you do today". The monk replied "I robbed an off-license."

"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

The second monk came up and the minister asked the same question. "I vandalized a primary school" he answered.

"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

The third monk stepped up and the minister repeated "and what did you do today". "I pissed in the holy water"

Human Beans

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".

"My father grows beans," said one student.

"My father cooks beans," said another.

Then Johnnie spoke up: "We are all human beans."

I Urgently Need A Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office,

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, ', And where do you think you're going?!'



She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark!'

Watch Dogs

A young woman was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and she asked her blonde friend what the dog's names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and the other one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Hellooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

~ Take A Viagra

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.'

'Very good! And what is it used for?'

'It is used for headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol'

'Excellent. And what it is used for?'

'To help you sleep.'

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra'

'Johnny, what is it used for?'

'I think it can be used for diarrhea.'

'Who told you this?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.

The Scotman and the Frenchman

One morning a Scotsman is having breakfast in Paris, (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and marmalade) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Scotsman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation,

Frenchman: 'You Scots folk eat the whole bread?'

Scotsman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Scotland .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Scotsman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat marmalade with your bread?'

Scotsman: 'Of course.'

Frenchman (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling): 'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into marmalade, and sell the marmalade to Scotland.'

After a moment of silence, the Scotsman asks: 'Do you have intimacy in France ?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Scotsman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Scotsman: 'We don't. In Scotland , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'

The Life of AKPAN

How do you recognize Akpan in school? He is the one who erases the notes from his book when the teacher cleans the board.

In a conversation
AKPAN : I am proud because my son is in Medical College
Friend: Really? What is he studying?
AKPAN: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.

AKPAN: People consider me as a “GOD”
Wife: How do you know?
AKPAN: When I went to the park today, everybody said, oh GOD, you have come again.

AKPAN: Why are all these people running?
Man: This is a race; the winner will get the cup.
AKPAN: If only the winner will get the Cup, why are the others running?

In a classroom:
Teacher: “I killed a person. Convert this sentence into future tense”
AKPAN: The future tense is “You will go to jail”

Parking Fine

AKPAN comes back to his car and finds a note saying “parking fine” He writes a note and sticks it to a pole “Thanks for the compliment”

The Final Game

Akpan visits his Doctor :
AKPAN: Doctor, in my dreams I play football every night.
DOCTOR: Take these drugs and you will be okay.
AKPAN: Can I take it tomorrow? Tonight is the final game.

New Mobile Number

AKPAN bought a new mobile phone. He sent a message to everyone on his phone book.
The message reads: My mobile number has changed; earlier it was Nokia 3310, now it is Nokia 6610. Please take note!

We Shall Drink From That River~

A Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river". And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river". And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river". Again the congregation cried, "Amen!" The preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said: "For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, 'We shall drink from that river"'.

THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUYA!!!!!

I Want To Be A Virgin

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin. Since
she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.

The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is another way
that will cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor
worked on her for several minutes.

After the "first night" of intimacy, the woman came back to the doctor
and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was
there. And she asked him how he did it.

"Simple, I tied your pubic hairs together!"

Ebuka And His Oga

Ebuka told his Oga at the shop to wait at the gate and pick him up after his Commerce exam at the secondary school where he was registered.

Question No 3 reads: ''Differentiate between a Warehouse and a Shop.'' (20marks).

He reflected, smiled and wrote: "Warehouse is at Ojota while shop is at Alaba." He then submitted his paper and went to meet his Oga at the gate.

Oga: Ebuka, how did it go?

Ebuka: It was so simple Oga. Question No 3 says: Differentiate between a warehouse and a shop.

Oga: And what did you write?

Ebuka: Well, I wrote that warehouse is at Ojota while shop is at Alaba.

Oga: So is that all you wrote?

Ebuka: Yes.

Oga: Common go back and put the phone numbers and complete address, silly boy! That's how you get customers, !!!

Romantic Husband

A Husband Comes Home From Church, He greets His Wife And Lifts Her Up. He Then Carried Her Around The House.

The Wife Was So Surprised And She Asked, "Did The Bishop Preach About Being Romantic?".

The Husband Said, "No, He Said We Must Carry Our Burdens And Sorrows".

A Materialistic Igbo Man

A very successful Ibo Man in Holland parked his brand-new
Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off
the door on the driver's side.

The man immediately grabbed his cell phone, called the cops, and within minutes
a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to
ask any questions, the Ibo man started screaming
hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter
what the body shop did to it. When the man finally wound
down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head
in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you Ibos are", he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you
don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the Ibo man.
The cop replied,
"Don't you notice that your left arm is
missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when
the truck hit you."

"My God!"
screamed the Ibo man. "Where's my
expensive Rolex?

In Search Of Lions

A man came from Europe to Africa to get lions dead or alive.

So he told two Igbo men and they went in search of lions.He promised $10,000 for each lion, After searching in the forest to no avail they fell asleep under a tree.

One of them woke up later and saw they were surrounded by a pride of ten lions,he shook the other one saying ''Chukwudi wake up,we don hammer"

Silent Fart

An elderly couple was attending a church service. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says, ” I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?” The husband replies, ” Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

The Doctor's Daughter

While going out for a ride with his young daughter, a doctor notices the little girl playing with his stethoscope.

He becomes excited, thinking "my daughter is going to follow in my footsteps!"

The girl speaks into the stethoscope like a microphone.

"Welcome to Tastee Fried Chicken, may I take your order please?"

In The Forest With Cannibals

There were three men who were lost in the forest, and they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and gather ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.

So all three men went separate ways to gather fruit. The first one came back to the village and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your backside without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten by the tribe." The first apple went in, but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed, eaten, and went to heaven.

The second man arrives at the village and shows the king his ten fruits--blueberries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this would be easy. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, dropped the blueberries, and therefore he was also killed, eaten, and went to heaven.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Jim, why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" Jim replied "I couldn't help it, I saw Bob coming with Pineapples."

Happy Butt

teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, “Happy Butt.”

The teacher says, “I don’t think that’s your name. You need to go to the principal’s office and get this straightened out.”

The girl goes to the principal’s office and he asks, “What’s your name?” The little girl says, “Happy Butt.”

The principal calls the girl’s mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, “Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.”

The girl exclaims, “Glad arse — Happy Butt — what’s the difference?”

I Lost My Husband

A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband;

woman; I lost my hubby
inspector: what's his height?
woman: i never noticed
inspector: slim or healthy?
woman: not slim, can b healthy
inspector: colour of eyes?
woman: never noticed,
inspector: hair?
woman: should b black
inspector: what was he wearing?
woman: i don't remember exactly
inspector: was somebody with him?
woman: yes, my Labrador dog (romeo) tied wit a golden chain, height 30", healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded wit blue balls, he likes non veg. food, we eat together, we jog 2geda. the woman started crying.

inspector: lets search 4 d dog 1st!!!!!!!!

Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

I Gave Him Super Glue

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

Pretend You're A Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.

"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like that at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Horse's Dick

When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your dick and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your dick back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper,

"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"

Labour Pain

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, fuck off it'll be too painful', "Now who's laughing?"

Happy and Sad at same time

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions.

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest manliness of all your friends."

Had Sex With His Teacher

So this young boy comes running home from school and tells his dad, "Daddy, daddy! I had sex with my teacher today!" His dad says, "Good for you, son! You know that new bike that you've been asking me for? Well, let's go down to the store and get it, right now!"

So they go to the bike shop and buy a nice, new, green bike. The dad asks, "So do you want to ride it home, or do you just want me to throw it in the back of the truck?"

The kid says, "Just put it in the truck, my butt still hurts."

Blows It Right Up

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Dad, You're Drunk!

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.

Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.

The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''

The Laughing Customer

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, theres no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe its a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. Whats so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

Guardian Angel

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Deepest Condolence

A widow goes on her first date since her husband's death, and afterward the two end up back at her place. Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black panties.

"You can touch me anywhere else," she says, "but down there I'm still mourning."

"I figured as much," says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on a black condom. "If you don't mind, I'd like to offer my deepest condolences."

Mumu Couple

Due 2 his wife's pregnancy,he was sleeping on d floor 2 avoid any stress on her.

One night,she observed his anguish & obvious sexual desire, she gave him 500 & said go 2 our neighbor's wife, she'll allow you sleep with her.

In disbelief but eager 2 be relieved,he took d money & dashed out. Few minutes later he returned & said "she demanded for 1000".

Wife retorted "damn that naughty woman; when she was pregnant last year, I took only 400 from her husband".

I Need Answers

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FEDUP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker.

Why is it called building when it is already built?

If a book about failures sells, is it a success ?

If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking space?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Super Eagles And NFF

The Super Eagles got together, and decided on a match bonus of $50,000 per player.
They then sent their captain Kanu Nwankwo to Abuja (the capital of Nigeria) in order to present these demands before the NFF (National Football Federation) chairman.

Upon hearing what Kanu had to say,
a big smile appeared on Alhaji Sani Lulu's face as he replied:
"yes! but you guys must adhere to my terms and conditions."

Kanu replied: ", tell me what they are and we shall consider."

Lulu then said: "we shall pay you an additional appearance fee of $500 per minute for every player;
if you lose your matches like you are doing now,
you get an extra $5000 for your efforts;
plus an all expenses paid trip to South Africa 2010 for all your families and friends!"

Kanu: "Wow! you must be kidding!!"

Lulu: "Yes, but you started it."

Sex Is A Play

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting with his superiors, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."

The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. "sex is work and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath!"

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a rabbi, a man of thousands of years' tradition and knowledge. The rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, intimacy is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me intimacy is work?"

The rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if intimacy were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

How Do You Stop Your Anger?

Dad asked his son: whenever I beat you how do you stop your anger?
Son replies: I start cleaning the toilet.
Dad asked: How does that help you?
Son: I clean it with your tooth brush.

Chinese Adam And Eve

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise
because they would have ignored the apple and eaten theSNAKE

A Drink Of Water

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad, " "What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad, "
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY, Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
"Five minutes later,
"Daaaa-aaaad, "
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

The Bullet Proof Jeep

Mallam Sule bought a new bullet proof jeep for N75M.

So, he went to warri and while there, he was attacked by armed robbers who rained bullets on his car.

To Sule's amazement the car resisted all.

He started mouthing words at the bandits.

One of them gestured that he could not hear him, so he wound down his window and shouted “Shege dan barao waka,

He has since been buried according to Muslim rights

The Monkey Family

A black guy and a white man were sitting in the park.

The white man had a pet monkey and a black guy was selling bananas.
So the black guy said "Mr. can u look after my bananas I am going to the toilet". "Oh yes go ahead" said the white guy.

When the black guy came back there were no more bananas and he went mad, "where are my bananas?" The white guy said "ask your brother", pointing at his monkey.

The black guy just chilled. Then the white guy said few seconds later, 'can u look after your brother I am going to the toilet. The black guy said ok.

When the white guy came back the monkey was dead and he went mad asking "what happened to my monkey?" The black dude said "Mr. don't get involved, its a family matter!!!"

The Worst Day Of His Life

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Three Guys At The Bar

3 guys were gisting at a bar. The 1st guy said when my wife was pregnant she was reading a book; a tale of 2 cities & gave birth 2 twins.

The 2nd said his wife was reading d 3muskteers and gave birth to 3plets.

The 3rd guy dropped his beer bottle & started running home. When they got to his house they saw him burning a book & they asked why. He said his wife was reading Ali Baba and the 40 thieves and she is pregnant; not in dis house…it cant happen!

Complete and Finished

A man went to face an interviewer. Board of Directors asked him,
“Tell the difference between“COMPLETE” and “FINISH”.The man replied, I am
clarifying with the example, “When u marry a right person you are
“Complete”and when you marry the wrong one you are “Finish (ed)”.

My Husband Is Here!

A wife was sleeping in the middle of the night, she suddenly shout:

"Get up quickly, my husband is here!!'',

the man gets up from the bed, jumps out the window, hurts himself and then realizes; "Damn i am the husband"

Hubby's Underwears

Wife goes to Woolworths, sees men's underwear on
sale. She buys a dozen of the same colour.
Goes home and gives hubby.

Hubby protests,
" Why buy me same colour? People will think I do not change
underwear!! Wife asks,"Which people?"

Worst Report Card

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.


I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion, Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

1 Love, Your Son John.


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I 'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

Free Of Charge

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his
manager kissing his secretary.

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge.

Senators

A priest walked into a barber shop in Surulere, After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

Sex On Sunday Morning

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having intimacy would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Catholics in Hell

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Extremely frightened because of that, he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining, happy people around in shorts and bikinis.

Behind the next corner there are people eating great food and there's some cool music playing.

After some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and says: "Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I'm the devil. As you're gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me."

The guy still doesn't really understand what's going on, this is not what he expected; But finally he decides to inspect the area.

Everywhere he goes, there are people laughing and having a great time, there's games, party and fun all around. Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the doomed, there's fire and the smell of brimstone.

Shocked, he runs to the devil and says "Devil, how can that be? Here, we have the sweet eternity and down there people are tortured and burned! How can that be?!"

The devil laughs and says "Oh, that. That's the Catholics - they want it that way."

The Rabbit and the Bear

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be precised. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.

One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfast of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.

"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!"

"Not now! I'm eating."

"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important."

"No way."

"Please. It's urgent."

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.

"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?"

"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."

The Nun On Bro. John's Shoes.

A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast.

On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister. She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on.

She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed."

The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great so she decides to go and see mother superior.

She asks mother superior, "Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed when I feel great and mother superior says,"That is because you have brother John's shoes on."

The Pool With Hungry Alligators

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen.

The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.

The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!"

A Boy Once Prayed

A boy once prayed:

Dear God,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,
why not keep and save the ones you have now.

Thank you God for the baby sister you gave me, but what I
prayed for was for a puppy.

God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each if they had
their own rooms, it works with my brother.

God Needs A Vacation

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girls, and they're STILL talking about it!"

Woman-to-Woman!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.

He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly excited, but since you've being complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your, ah, physical needs.

He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advise to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"What's the catch, Lord?" "Yeah, well, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring, So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first, So, just remember, it's our secret, Woman-to-woman!"

Rest And Let The Poison Work

Augustine was dying.

His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work"

I'm Gonna Save it!

Jojo and Jaja were trying to light a match.

He struck the first one and it didn’t work, so he threw it away.

He struck the second match. That didn’t work either, so he tossed it.

Jojo struck the third one and it lit up.

“That’s a good one!” he said, blowing it out. “I'm gonna save it!”

The Nun And The Cab Driver

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.

I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single

• read more...

and #2 you must be Catholic.

The cab driver is very excited and says, Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too! The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley.

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying. My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?

Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm American.

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kelvin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.

Male And Female Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing? She asked.

Hunting Flies, He responded.

Oh! Killing any? She asked.

Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?

He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

"3 on beer can are males and the 2 on phone are for sure ladies"

Shan, The Late Comer.

Shan came into the office an hour late for the third time this week and found the boss waiting for him.

What's the story this time, Shan? he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change.

Shan sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss.
The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck.

Rather than let you down, I swam across the river – look, my suit's still damp – ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.

You'll have to do better th

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an that, Shan, said the boss, obviously disappointed. No woman can get ready for anything in ten minutes.

Naija Elections

Twenty Four hours After United States concluded the Presidential election.
The winner Mr Barack Obama is celebrating his victory.
The Nigerian President has just arrived to the United state with his entourage to congratulate him.

"This is really surprise" said Obama to the Nigerian President

"American are advanced, they know the results immediately after the election"

"See You" replied the Nigerian President.
"We Nigerians are more advanced, we always know the result even before the election"

Marriage Proposal

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years.

The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny, "

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call.

Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

Men Who DominatesTheir Wives

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, I want the men to make two lines, one
line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and
the other line for the men who were dominated by their
women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are
two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their
women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who
dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of
yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all
whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons
who
stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my
son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.

Janitors

A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could barely
hear the child speaking since the other kids were making
too much noise. In an attempt to quiet them, she said,I can
hear voices!

Two janitors outside heard the teacher and one said to the
other, Jeez! she better stop telling the kids about her mental problems!

After World War II

An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?

Confession For Adultery

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned."Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and
shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

The Mayor fainted!

Married To Satan's Sister

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Barking - Essex wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.

This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

I Want A Baby

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders. "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did." "I went to a faith healer." "But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie." it doesn't work when you go with your husband.

The Computer Engineer

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.

The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.

“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated.

I think we should clear out the fuel system.” “I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”

“Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”

The Stolen Bicycle

A priest had his bicycle stolen and thought a member of his flock was to blame. In need of advice he consulted his bishop who suggested that he root out the thief by preaching a sermon on the ten commandments.

The idea was that when the priest got to Thou shalt not steal he would pause and look around the church for anyone behaving in a guilty manner. In this way it was hoped that the culprit would give himself away.

A couple of weeks later the bishop bumped into the priest and asked him whether the plan had worked. Well yes said the priest but not quite in the way you envisaged.

I was going thru the Ten commandments one by one and when I got to thou shalt not commit adultery i remembered where i had left my bike.

I and My Secretary

To surprise her husband, a company executive’s wife decided
to stop by her husband's office. On entering the office,
she saw the female secretary sitting on her husband’s laps.

In order to defend himself the husband said
“budget cut or no budget cut, management must do something.
I and my secretary cannot be sharing this office with just a single seat.

Election Result

Twenty Four hours After United States concluded the Presidential election.
The winner Mr Barack Obama is celebrating his victory.
The Nigerian President has just arrived to the United state with his entourage to congratulate him.

"This is really surprise" said Obama to the Nigerian President

"American are advanced, they know the results immediately after the election"

"See You" replied the Nigerian President.
"We Nigerians are more advanced, we always know the result even before the election"

How Did I get here?

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?".
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?", the child persisted.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?", asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been no Sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."

Where Babies Come From

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have intimacy. The daughter looks puzzled, so the mother continues. . . That means the daddy puts his Dick in the mommy's Vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's Dick in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

The Family Dinner

A family was having guests to dinner. At the table, the
mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and says, Dear,
would you like to say the blessing?

I wouldn't know what to say," shyly replies the little girl.

Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie.

Her daughter takes a deep breath, bows her head, and solemnly says, Dear
Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner?

Gambling Johnnie

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.

After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, I think I broke his gambling. The father asked how and she said. He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.

DAMN! said the father.

What's wrong? the teacher asked.

Little Johnny's father said. This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!

Viagra Is Used For Diarrhea

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.'

'Very good! And what is it used for?'

'It is used for headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol'

'Excellent. And what it is used for?'

'To help you sleep.'

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra'

'Johnny, what is it used for?'

'I think it can be used for diarrhea.'

'Who told you this?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.'

The Soldiers And The 'Nun'

A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later". The nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, ???He went that way. "

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq. "

The nun said she understood completely.

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs."
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls, I don't want to go to Iraq either"

God Is Missing

There were two little boys, 8 and 10 years old, very mischievous and naughty. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their city, their sons were probably involved.

They boy's mother heard that a clergyman in city had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning and 10-year-old in the afternoon to see the clergyman .

The clergyman, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"


The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

Nigerian Girls

Nigerian Girls who :

Are Skinny Thinks they are Models or should be Models
Are Fat Thinks they will make better Wives
Are short Thinks they are born agains

Are tall thinks it was of their making .
Are poor thinks they are homely
Are rich thinks they are too much for one man

Are below 15 wants the time to start moving faster
Ar, e in their 20s wants the time to start moving slowly
Are in their 30s wants the time to stand still

Are in their 40s wants the time to start moving backwards
Are Christians thinks they deserve all the good men
Are Married thinks it was because they are too smart

Are not married thinks it was evil wish from their relatives
Are married to rich men thinks they should have married another rich guy if the present husband didnt come along

Are married to poor guys thinks the husband is lazy
Are lucky to have Children thinks it was because of their righteousness
Are not lucky to have Children Blame their evil relatives

(c)2010 Sam Milla

All Work And No Play

One day, a man was sitting in his office on the 19th floor
of a building when another man came running in to his
office and shouted, “John, your daughter, Anna just died in
an accident right opposite this building”. The gentleman
was in panic. Not knowing what to do, he jumped out through
his office window.

While dropping down, as he nears the 14th floor, he
remembered he does not have a daughter named Anna. When he
was near the 7th floor, he remembered he was not even
married yet. When he was about to hit the ground, he
remembered that his name was not even John.

The Pilot and The Hunters

A European pilot came to Nigeria and hired two local hunters to help him get some bush meat. He dropped them in the forest in a chartered plane and returned a week later
to pick them up. He looked at the 'bush meat' they had shot, there's no way the plane can take all this bush meat, we will have to leave a third of it behind.

But we did it last year, the hunters insisted.
"The pilot took the two of us and the same amount of bush meat in a plane just like yours."

The pilot hesitated but decided to take their word for it. Well, if u did it last year, i suppose we can do it again this year.

The plane took off! As it approached a nearby mountain, it could not gain height. It crashed into the side of the mountain. The pilot and the hunters crawled out of the
plane, dazed but glad to be alive. I wonder where we are the pilot asked.

One of the hunters looked around, Dont worry my friend, i think we are just 15 meters east of where we crashed last year.

The pilot faints.

Divorce After 69 years

A very elderly couple appears before a judge.

“Your honor, we want a divorce.”

“A divorce?” asks the judge, “How old are you?”

“I’m 93. She’s 89.”

“And how long have you been married?”

“69 years.”

“And after 69 years, NOW you want a divorce?”

“Yes, because we cannot agree on where to go when we are dead.

The Unfaithful Cock

A man hired a cock as his Alarm, and this was all he could get in return.

16 Wives

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

The Weeping Husband

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,

“Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” if you didn't I wouldn't have been in this trouble today with this woman! why did you have to die?

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before.

For whom do you mourn so deeply? your child? your parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

Master Bates

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school.

On day One, the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school.

The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates."

"Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

Chicken in the Theatre

A man approached the window of a movie theatre with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.

"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.

"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.

"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theatre."

The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.

The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.

The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"

Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."

The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

Dumb Househelp

A house help was working for her boss and madam.
The boss always eye on the house help until one day the madam travelled.

So the boss slept with the girl and says to her after intimacy "Nkechi you re so sweet"

The house help replied saying "yes oga i am sweet even the gate man says i am sweet"

Condom

Little Johnny goes to his sister's room and picks up something.

His sister tells him to give it back, she wants to keep it as a souvenir. He asks her what it is. She says, "it's a donut."

Then Little Johnny says, "give me fifty cents."

Johnny gives her the used condom, and his sister gives him 50 cents. He goes to the kitchen with a big smile on his face, and his mom asks him why he's smiling.

He says, "My sister gave me fifty cents for a donut, but I already licked out all the custard!

God And Adam

'God,' inquired Adam, 'Why did you make Eve so beautiful?'

'So you would love her.'

'But why did you make her so dumb?'

'So she would love you.'

Funny Questions and Answers

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, it's biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend went for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".

Urine Test

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

Tribalism

A Yoruba Man was sitting with an Ibo man and a Hausa man in Mecca Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled bottles of beer, when suddenly the police entered and arrested them.
They were initially given a death sentence but, as it was a national holiday, the sheikh decided they should be released after each received 20 lashes.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh said, "It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you cannot wish not to be whipped!"

The Yoruba man thought for a second, then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping." This was done.

The Igbo man saw this and said: "Please tie two pillows to my back before whipping." This was done.

The Hausa Man saw this, but before he could make his wish, the sheikh said: "Since you share the same tribe with the President of your country, you are permitted to have two wishes!"

The Hausa Man thought for a second, then said: "Thank you, most royal and merciful highness. My first wish is to receive 100 lashes with the strongest, toughest whip
available."

"If you so desire," the sheikh replied with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?" "Tie the Ibo man to my back before the lash."

The Bus Driver

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling,

''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with,

''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

The 1964 Incident

An old man joined the bus at Ikeja in Lagos, he managed to push through and got a seat.

It didn't take long before he realized his wallet was missing and this old man stood up and shouted , who ever that took my wallet should return it or else what happened in 1964 will repeat its self.

After some minuets the "alaye" guys quietly returned his wallet out of fear.

And the was this curious Young girl who claimed to be a journalist asking the old man what actually happened in 1964?

He replied , someone stole my wallet and I had to walk home.

Promotional Exams

A boy returned from school after the promotional
examination and the following ensued between him and his
father:

Son: Daddy, do you know what?

Daddy: No, not until you tell me my son.

Son: You are not going to buy books for me next session

Daddy: Why? Have you been given a scholarship?

Son: No! I am repeating the class.

Hostel Rules

On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined N200 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined N600. Being caught a third time will
incur a hefty fine of N1800. ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?".

To this, a male student in the crowd inquires: "HOW MUCH FOR A COMPLETE SEASON?"