Application Letter

I refer 2 d recent death of d Technical Manager at your company & wish 2 apply 4 d replacement of d dead manager.

Each time I apply 4 employment I am told dere is no vacancy but on dis one i hav caught u red handed coz i even attended d funeral & made sure dat he was truly dead b4 applying. 

Find attached his obituary"

Side Effect

Mr BEAN felt ill. . . so the ÐOÇTOR gave him a Tablet he started cutting the sides of the tablet
ÐOÇTOR: y are u cuttin the sides?
BEAN: 2 avoid the side effects.



Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me,
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born?

I Want Peace

Two soldiers were training:

-Why have you joined the army ?

"Because I'm single and I like war ,  And you ?

I am married and I wanted peace.

Accused of Rape

An 8yesar old boy was accused of rape in court; his lady lawyer holds his dick saying, 'your honor, can this 8years old dick rape? 

'The boy whispers, ' don’t shake it aunty, we will lose d CASE.

No Chance for survival

HUSBAND WAS SERIOUSLY ILL

DOCTOR to Wife:
Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant and in good mood, don't discuss your problems, no tv serial, don't demand new clothes and gold jewels, do this for 1yr and he will be OK.

On the way home. . .
Husband:- what did the doctor say?
Wife:- no chance for you to survive.

The Stammerer

A man had a bad case of stammering. He went to many doctors

over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor

said to him"I believe I found the reason for your stammering". The

man asked, "Wha, wha,  wha, what is my pro,  pro,  problem." The

doctor replied, "Your joystick is very, very large. The weight of your

joystick is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your

stammering. The only solution to this is to perform a joystick

transplant." The man was really tired of his stammering, so he

agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man

up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor.The

transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could

speak without any stutter. At first he was happy, but after a while

he began to miss his large joystick, and how the girls used to love it.

He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful

for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stammer, but

I miss my old joystick. Please find the transplant donor and tell him

that we have to exchange manlinesses back." The doctor shook his head

and replied, "That's im,  im,  im,  im, im, imp, impo, impo,

impossible."

Bad WAEC results

Dad: I learnt your WAEC result is out.
Son: Daddy u remember Chidi wey dey carry first for our whole schl ba? he failed. .
Dad: dats terrible,w at happened?
Son: U also remember Tosin wey dey tutor me 4 house ba? He failed too.
Dad: wats with d poor performance?
Son: Daddy I dunno,na so e b oh.
Dad: so hw was Ʊr result?
Son : haba daddy,if dem fail, wetin u expect, I be wizard?

Strange Lawyer

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friends asked the tombstone maker to inscrbe on his
tombstone, "Here lies Strange,a honest man nd a lawyer".

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, 4 passersby would tend to tink dat 3 men
wer burid unda d stne. Howevr he sugestd an altnative:

He wld inscribe, "Here lies a man hu was bot honest nd a lawyer. dat way, weneva any1 walkd by d
tombstone and read it, dey wld be certain 2 remark: "That's Strange!"

Christian Dog

Pastor, my dog is dead. could dere be a service 4 d poor creature? pastor replied, No, we can't have service for an animal in the church. but dere is a church down the road, maybe, they will do something 4 the animal.   The man answered, pastor, but do u think they'll accept a donation of US $250,000 in return 4 d burial service? Pastor exclaimed, sweet jesus! why didn't u tell me d dog was a christian!

The Lie detecting Robot

A Doctor prescribed the robot.

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. he decided to test it at dinner:

Dad: Son where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school (robot slaps son)
. . . Son: Okay I went to the movies!
Dad: Which one?
Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again!)

Son: Okay I was watching indecency.
Dad: What? When I was your age I didn't even know what indecency was! (robot slaps dad)
Mom: Hahahahaha ! after all he is your son! (robot slaps mom)

Men With Five Children

The FG recently announced to pay men with 5 children and above 1
million naira monthly salaries. A man heard the news
and said to his wife, Eunice! i have a kid with my
girlfriend.I’m going to bring him so we add him to
our 4 kids to make 5! When he came back,he saw
only one of his kids remaining,he asked where are the others?

His wife replied,u ‘re not the only one who
heard the news, THEIR FATHERS HAVE COME FOR THEM

Phone Call as Sex

Husband  &  wife agreed dat anytym dey wnt 2 hav sex, dey wil cal it PHONECALL so dat d kids wil no decode. 1 day, d husband sends his son 2 tel mum dat he wants 2 mak a fonecall. Mum replies, tel your Dad dat netwrk is busy 2dy. Husband replies: Tell your mum dat if network is busy@home, I wil go 2 a public fone boot. Wif replies:Te l your Dad dat if he dares go 2 a public fone, den I wil open a businez center here.

Lie Detecting Robot

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. he decided to test it at dinner:

Dad: Son where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school (robot slaps son)
......Son: Okay I went to the movies!
Dad: Which one?
Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again!)

Son: Okay I was watching porn.
Dad: What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was! (robot slaps dad)
Mom: Hahahahaha ! after all he is your son!(robot slaps mom)

A glass of water

One night a father sent his kid  to bed.

Five minutes later the boy screamed, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!"

"No. You had your chance." A minute later the boy screamed "Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?"

"No. You had your chance.

Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you."

"Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?"

Dog Burial

Pastor, my dog is dead. could dere be a service 4 d poor creature? pastor replied, No, we can't have service for an animal in the church. but dere is a church down the road, maybe, they will do something 4 the animal, the man answered, pastor, but do u think they'll accept a donation of US $250,000 in return 4 d burial service? pastor exclaimed, sweet jesus! why didn't u tell me d dog was a christian!

Twins

Are nigerians not tired of naming their twins taiwo n kehinde, peter n paul, victor n Victoria? why cant we use names like copy n paste, find n replace, clearing n forwarding, dolce n gabbana, goodness n mercy, keyboard n monitor, facebook n twitter, input n output, open n close, undo n redo. etc?

The Master Key

A girl asks a guy, "Why is it that if a girl has sex with more than 1 guy she's a slut. But if a guy...has it with more than 1 girl he's a legend?!" The guy replies, "If a lock can be opened by more than 1 key, it's a useless lock, But if a key can open many locks,then its a "MASTER KEY

Church Service

This guy keeps falling asleep in church and his wife’s getting sick of it. She decides she'll bring a pin to church with her and poke him when he starts falling asleep.

They're in church the next Sunday and he starts falling asleep right as the preacher’s saying, "And the Lord God created the heavens and the earth." His wife pokes him and he jumps up yelling "HALLELUIAH!!" The preacher, looking startled, says "very good, very good."

A little while later he starts falling asleep again as the preacher’s saying, "and the lord parted the red sea for Moses". His wife pokes him and he jumps up yelling, "PRAISE THE LORD!!" The preacher exclaims, "Very good, very good!"

A little while later he falls asleep again just as the preacher says, "And what did Eve say to Adam after they had their second child?" His wife pokes him again and he jumps up yelling, "STICK THAT THING IN ME AGAIN AND I'M GONNA BREAK IT OFF!"

Dogs eat Biscuits

In England, a Nigerian was chewing a bone after eating a meal, a Briton seating next to him was eating biscuits, after watching the Nigerian for a while, he asked; "what do dogs eat in Nigeria? The man replied; "Biscuits

The Igbo Man in the Well

An Igbo man fell into a well one day & started screaming for help. 

His wife rushed off to buy a rope to save him. When she returned, she threw one end down into the well & the Igbo man examined the rope & asked; "How much did you buy this rope?" The wife said "N1000". 

Still inside the well he shouted "What! Return it now & go to Papa Emeka, he sells for N300. Hurry up please before I die! Biko!!!!

The Strange Lawyer

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friends asked the tombstone maker to inscrbe on his
tombstone, "Here lies Strange,a honest man nd a lawyer". 

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, 4 passersby would tend to tink dat 3 men
wer burid unda d stne. Howevr he sugestd an altnative: 

He wld inscribe, "Here lies a man hu was bot honest nd a lawyer. dat way, weneva any1 walkd by d
tombstone and read it, dey wld be certain 2 remark: "That's Strange!"

The mountain Event

One day, 4 men went up to a mountain to give a sacrifice to their god. they were Nigerian, Chinese, Enlish, and Indian.

English man: "this is for my people". and he jumped down the mountain.
"Chinese man: "this is for my people" and he jumped down.

When it was the nigerian's turn, he says: " this is for my people" and he pushes the indian man down the mountain.

Condom & Pad

A CONDOM told a PAD "fuck u,u always stop my business for a week"

The PAD replied "Yeah bcos when u fuck up,I lose my job for 9 months

Opening Address

A yoruba man was invited to an occasion as the chairman. After the opening prayer, he was asked to address the audience. He stood up, cleared his throat and said " My address is No. 6 Moshalasi street, Ogba Ikeja, Lagos. Thank you".

The Prospective Medical Doctor

A boy who had intentions of being a doctor got his WAEC result with two credits in Igbo and Agriculture.

Luckily for him he had an uncle who worked in the medical college so he now embarked on a journey to secure an admission in medicine.

The following discussion went on between the boy and his uncle.

Uncle: - Jnr long time. How are you doing?

Boy - I’m ok I came looking for admission in your faculty.

Uncle - So how were your O' levels results?

Boy - Fine oh. I really want to be the first Doctor from our village and with your help I can secure admission.

Uncle - What were your results like?   

Boy - Two credits in Igbo and Agriculture

Uncle - laughing said "you can still be a Doctor but a native doctor. You will use your credit in Agriculture to look for herbs and Igbo to chant incantations"

Don't Stop!

A Nigerian mother asks her pregnant teenage daughter ''Funke how did you get pregnant?" ''I told you, if a man touches your boobs, say 'DON'T' and if he touches your privates, say 'STOP'", The girl says "But mamma, I did, He was touching both places at the same time, so i said "DON'T STOP!"

Biology Test

In a biology exam,student were asked to draw the female reproductive organ, as the exam was progressing, a girl looked between her legs. A boy saw her and shouted "Excuse me, Sir! She's copying from the original copy.."