Watch Out For The Wall

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.


She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"

How Women Goes To Heaven

A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her bosoms.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they
inflate and float you up to heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite
satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes
into the kitchen. "Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her
balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling,

"God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"

Love In The Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device, a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

A Woman Once Prayed. . .

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man!
Love to forgive him.
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN.

Three Monks Came For ConFession

One day three monks were told by the minister that today was their day off, to do whatever they want, and at the end of the day, God would forgive them of their sins.

The monks thought this sounded like a good idea so they went off into the city. At the end of the day the three monks returned to the church and the minister greeted them.

The first monk came up, and the minister asked, "What did you do today". The monk replied "I robbed an off-license."

"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

The second monk came up and the minister asked the same question. "I vandalized a primary school" he answered.

"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".

The third monk stepped up and the minister repeated "and what did you do today". "I pissed in the holy water"

Human Beans

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".

"My father grows beans," said one student.

"My father cooks beans," said another.

Then Johnnie spoke up: "We are all human beans."

I Urgently Need A Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office,

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, ', And where do you think you're going?!'



She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark!'

Watch Dogs

A young woman was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and she asked her blonde friend what the dog's names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and the other one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Hellooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

~ Take A Viagra

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.'

'Very good! And what is it used for?'

'It is used for headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol'

'Excellent. And what it is used for?'

'To help you sleep.'

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra'

'Johnny, what is it used for?'

'I think it can be used for diarrhea.'

'Who told you this?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.

The Scotman and the Frenchman

One morning a Scotsman is having breakfast in Paris, (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and marmalade) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Scotsman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation,

Frenchman: 'You Scots folk eat the whole bread?'

Scotsman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Scotland .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Scotsman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat marmalade with your bread?'

Scotsman: 'Of course.'

Frenchman (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling): 'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into marmalade, and sell the marmalade to Scotland.'

After a moment of silence, the Scotsman asks: 'Do you have intimacy in France ?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Scotsman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Scotsman: 'We don't. In Scotland , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'

The Life of AKPAN

How do you recognize Akpan in school? He is the one who erases the notes from his book when the teacher cleans the board.

In a conversation
AKPAN : I am proud because my son is in Medical College
Friend: Really? What is he studying?
AKPAN: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.

AKPAN: People consider me as a “GOD”
Wife: How do you know?
AKPAN: When I went to the park today, everybody said, oh GOD, you have come again.

AKPAN: Why are all these people running?
Man: This is a race; the winner will get the cup.
AKPAN: If only the winner will get the Cup, why are the others running?

In a classroom:
Teacher: “I killed a person. Convert this sentence into future tense”
AKPAN: The future tense is “You will go to jail”

Parking Fine

AKPAN comes back to his car and finds a note saying “parking fine” He writes a note and sticks it to a pole “Thanks for the compliment”

The Final Game

Akpan visits his Doctor :
AKPAN: Doctor, in my dreams I play football every night.
DOCTOR: Take these drugs and you will be okay.
AKPAN: Can I take it tomorrow? Tonight is the final game.

New Mobile Number

AKPAN bought a new mobile phone. He sent a message to everyone on his phone book.
The message reads: My mobile number has changed; earlier it was Nokia 3310, now it is Nokia 6610. Please take note!

We Shall Drink From That River~

A Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river". And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river". And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river". Again the congregation cried, "Amen!" The preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said: "For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, 'We shall drink from that river"'.

THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUYA!!!!!

I Want To Be A Virgin

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin. Since
she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.

The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is another way
that will cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor
worked on her for several minutes.

After the "first night" of intimacy, the woman came back to the doctor
and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was
there. And she asked him how he did it.

"Simple, I tied your pubic hairs together!"