Ebuka And His Oga

Ebuka told his Oga at the shop to wait at the gate and pick him up after his Commerce exam at the secondary school where he was registered.

Question No 3 reads: ''Differentiate between a Warehouse and a Shop.'' (20marks).

He reflected, smiled and wrote: "Warehouse is at Ojota while shop is at Alaba." He then submitted his paper and went to meet his Oga at the gate.

Oga: Ebuka, how did it go?

Ebuka: It was so simple Oga. Question No 3 says: Differentiate between a warehouse and a shop.

Oga: And what did you write?

Ebuka: Well, I wrote that warehouse is at Ojota while shop is at Alaba.

Oga: So is that all you wrote?

Ebuka: Yes.

Oga: Common go back and put the phone numbers and complete address, silly boy! That's how you get customers, !!!

Romantic Husband

A Husband Comes Home From Church, He greets His Wife And Lifts Her Up. He Then Carried Her Around The House.

The Wife Was So Surprised And She Asked, "Did The Bishop Preach About Being Romantic?".

The Husband Said, "No, He Said We Must Carry Our Burdens And Sorrows".

A Materialistic Igbo Man

A very successful Ibo Man in Holland parked his brand-new
Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off
the door on the driver's side.

The man immediately grabbed his cell phone, called the cops, and within minutes
a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to
ask any questions, the Ibo man started screaming
hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter
what the body shop did to it. When the man finally wound
down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head
in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you Ibos are", he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you
don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the Ibo man.
The cop replied,
"Don't you notice that your left arm is
missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when
the truck hit you."

"My God!"
screamed the Ibo man. "Where's my
expensive Rolex?

In Search Of Lions

A man came from Europe to Africa to get lions dead or alive.

So he told two Igbo men and they went in search of lions.He promised $10,000 for each lion, After searching in the forest to no avail they fell asleep under a tree.

One of them woke up later and saw they were surrounded by a pride of ten lions,he shook the other one saying ''Chukwudi wake up,we don hammer"

Silent Fart

An elderly couple was attending a church service. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says, ” I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?” The husband replies, ” Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

The Doctor's Daughter

While going out for a ride with his young daughter, a doctor notices the little girl playing with his stethoscope.

He becomes excited, thinking "my daughter is going to follow in my footsteps!"

The girl speaks into the stethoscope like a microphone.

"Welcome to Tastee Fried Chicken, may I take your order please?"

In The Forest With Cannibals

There were three men who were lost in the forest, and they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and gather ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.

So all three men went separate ways to gather fruit. The first one came back to the village and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your backside without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten by the tribe." The first apple went in, but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed, eaten, and went to heaven.

The second man arrives at the village and shows the king his ten fruits--blueberries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this would be easy. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, dropped the blueberries, and therefore he was also killed, eaten, and went to heaven.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Jim, why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" Jim replied "I couldn't help it, I saw Bob coming with Pineapples."

Happy Butt

teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, “Happy Butt.”

The teacher says, “I don’t think that’s your name. You need to go to the principal’s office and get this straightened out.”

The girl goes to the principal’s office and he asks, “What’s your name?” The little girl says, “Happy Butt.”

The principal calls the girl’s mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, “Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.”

The girl exclaims, “Glad arse — Happy Butt — what’s the difference?”

I Lost My Husband

A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband;

woman; I lost my hubby
inspector: what's his height?
woman: i never noticed
inspector: slim or healthy?
woman: not slim, can b healthy
inspector: colour of eyes?
woman: never noticed,
inspector: hair?
woman: should b black
inspector: what was he wearing?
woman: i don't remember exactly
inspector: was somebody with him?
woman: yes, my Labrador dog (romeo) tied wit a golden chain, height 30", healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded wit blue balls, he likes non veg. food, we eat together, we jog 2geda. the woman started crying.

inspector: lets search 4 d dog 1st!!!!!!!!

Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

I Gave Him Super Glue

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

Pretend You're A Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.

"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like that at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Horse's Dick

When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your dick and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your dick back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper,

"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"

Labour Pain

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, fuck off it'll be too painful', "Now who's laughing?"

Happy and Sad at same time

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions.

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest manliness of all your friends."

Had Sex With His Teacher

So this young boy comes running home from school and tells his dad, "Daddy, daddy! I had sex with my teacher today!" His dad says, "Good for you, son! You know that new bike that you've been asking me for? Well, let's go down to the store and get it, right now!"

So they go to the bike shop and buy a nice, new, green bike. The dad asks, "So do you want to ride it home, or do you just want me to throw it in the back of the truck?"

The kid says, "Just put it in the truck, my butt still hurts."

Blows It Right Up

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Dad, You're Drunk!

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.

Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.

The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''

The Laughing Customer

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, theres no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe its a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. Whats so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

Guardian Angel

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Deepest Condolence

A widow goes on her first date since her husband's death, and afterward the two end up back at her place. Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black panties.

"You can touch me anywhere else," she says, "but down there I'm still mourning."

"I figured as much," says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on a black condom. "If you don't mind, I'd like to offer my deepest condolences."

Mumu Couple

Due 2 his wife's pregnancy,he was sleeping on d floor 2 avoid any stress on her.

One night,she observed his anguish & obvious sexual desire, she gave him 500 & said go 2 our neighbor's wife, she'll allow you sleep with her.

In disbelief but eager 2 be relieved,he took d money & dashed out. Few minutes later he returned & said "she demanded for 1000".

Wife retorted "damn that naughty woman; when she was pregnant last year, I took only 400 from her husband".

I Need Answers

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FEDUP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker.

Why is it called building when it is already built?

If a book about failures sells, is it a success ?

If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking space?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Super Eagles And NFF

The Super Eagles got together, and decided on a match bonus of $50,000 per player.
They then sent their captain Kanu Nwankwo to Abuja (the capital of Nigeria) in order to present these demands before the NFF (National Football Federation) chairman.

Upon hearing what Kanu had to say,
a big smile appeared on Alhaji Sani Lulu's face as he replied:
"yes! but you guys must adhere to my terms and conditions."

Kanu replied: ", tell me what they are and we shall consider."

Lulu then said: "we shall pay you an additional appearance fee of $500 per minute for every player;
if you lose your matches like you are doing now,
you get an extra $5000 for your efforts;
plus an all expenses paid trip to South Africa 2010 for all your families and friends!"

Kanu: "Wow! you must be kidding!!"

Lulu: "Yes, but you started it."

Sex Is A Play

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting with his superiors, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."

The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. "sex is work and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath!"

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a rabbi, a man of thousands of years' tradition and knowledge. The rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, intimacy is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me intimacy is work?"

The rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if intimacy were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

How Do You Stop Your Anger?

Dad asked his son: whenever I beat you how do you stop your anger?
Son replies: I start cleaning the toilet.
Dad asked: How does that help you?
Son: I clean it with your tooth brush.

Chinese Adam And Eve

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise
because they would have ignored the apple and eaten theSNAKE

A Drink Of Water

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad, " "What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad, "
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY, Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
"Five minutes later,
"Daaaa-aaaad, "
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"