In A Minute

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, "G-d, what's a million years to you?"
And G-d said "A minute."
Then the man asked:
"Well, what's a million dollars to you?"
and G-d said: "A penny"
Then the man asked:
"G-d, can I have a penny?"
And G-d said:
"Sure, In a minute."

After 15yrs in Prison

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Disgrace to The Family

A young girl was going on a date.
Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.

He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let Him do that.
He is going to try and feel your bosom, you are going to like that but don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that,
but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:

Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family, " Granny fainted,

Hello Asshole

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

MI-6 cabled the White House: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down. . .

Silent Fart

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed
that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just
let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your
hearing aid."

The Farmer's Watermelon

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon
inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have
been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating
situation. So he puts up a sign that reads, "WARNING: ONE
OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of
the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another
sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Prayer Time

An innocent 5 year old girl was asked to pray during their pastors visit to their home, Her prayer went,

"Dear God, this hammatan season, please send clothes to all those poor unclothed ladies in Daddy's Cell phone and those that come visiting almost unclothed whenever mummy travels, & build house and put bed to the homeless men who come to sleep with mum when dad is at work

Cab Driver In Heaven

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

"I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."

"Our policy here in heaven is to reward results," God explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"

"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed."

An Hour Of Pleasure

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Do Hearts Have Legs?

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."

The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"

Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."

Wrong Number

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg, **

girl:'Hello?'

man: Hi honey.
man: This is Daddy.
man: Is Mommy near the phone?'

girl: 'No, Daddy.
girl: She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

girl: 'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
man: Right now?'

Brief Pause.

man: Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
man: Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

girl: 'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.

girl: 'I did it, Daddy.'

man: 'And what happened, honey?'

girl: 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

man: Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

girl: 'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too he was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
girl: But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it so he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

Then Daddy says,
'Swimming pool?

man: Is this the house number 486-5731?'*

girl: No, I think you have the wrong number,

How Big Is The Clock?

Customer care representative: The engineers are WORKING around the clock to rectify the problem , please be patient sir.

Client: Dont the engineers have better ways to solve the problem than to WALK
round the clock and by the way HOW BIG IS THE CLOCK?

World Record

A widow was told that her son, a sprinter has broken the
world record in world 100m athletics championship.

The old woman screamed and went crying,

"ever since he was a boy, he used to break plates, bottles, tv, everything in the
house and I would be the one to replace them, How would I now replace the world record?

The Palmwine Tapper

A Palm wine tapper fell from a palm tree, landing on the ground like a pineapple.

He checked out himself, realizing he did not sustain any injury. He looked up to the sky and
said: God, if this is a joke, you better stop it.

Secrets Adults Keep

Little junior went to school one day and told his friend that he wanted to know how to make money d easy way. His friend told him that all adults all have a dark secret to keep so all he has to do is just to go to them and tell them that "i know the whole truth".

Junior was happy so he went home and when his mum came back, he told her "mum i know the whole truth", his mum was scared so she gave him 20$ and told him not to tell anyone, also when his dad came back, he told his dad "dad, i know the whole truth" his dad too was scared so he gave him 40$ and begged him not to tell anyone.

Little junior was feeling smart so he decided to do it to another person. When the mailman came to deliver their mails, junior went to d man and told him "i know the whole truth". The mailman just said, "Good, thank God u know the truth now, so come now and hug your FATHER!!!!"

Husband writes to his wife

Husband Writes to wife:

Dearest Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart,

Your caring and loving husband.

His wife replied back after some days to her husband.

Dearest Sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. The landlord comes every day and takes two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items.
5. Other expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I have the remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan in the same way for next month?

Please Advise!

Your faithful wife.

Who among these 3 would u Pardon?

1st: Jeanne told my friend she prefers London to UK that’s
why she's not been to UK.

2nd: Poor Godwin took Ada out, asked if she wanted
sharwama but she declined saying, "sorry I don’t take
alcohol”.

3rd: Sussie told her man she just graduated and he
asks, “what’s next? Community Service, right! She says, no
I don’t like that course, too much calculation involved
that’s why I didn’t study it.

Mr. Joe in the Library

One day a Mr.Joe goes to a library and asks for a book.
The beautiful librarian asks him the name of the book.
Joe says: "Psycho The Rapist"
The Librarian searches for the book for a long time, comes back, slaps Joe and says: You fool! It is "Psychotherapist"