Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, I want the men to make two lines, one
line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and
the other line for the men who were dominated by their
women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.
The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are
two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their
women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who
dominated their women there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of
yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all
whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons
who
stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my
son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Janitors
A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could barely
hear the child speaking since the other kids were making
too much noise. In an attempt to quiet them, she said,I can
hear voices!
Two janitors outside heard the teacher and one said to the
other, Jeez! she better stop telling the kids about her mental problems!
hear the child speaking since the other kids were making
too much noise. In an attempt to quiet them, she said,I can
hear voices!
Two janitors outside heard the teacher and one said to the
other, Jeez! she better stop telling the kids about her mental problems!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
After World War II
An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Confession For Adultery
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned."Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and
shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
The Mayor fainted!
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned."Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and
shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
The Mayor fainted!
Married To Satan's Sister
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Barking - Essex wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.
This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.
This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
I Want A Baby
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders. "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did." "I went to a faith healer." "But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie." it doesn't work when you go with your husband.
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did." "I went to a faith healer." "But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie." it doesn't work when you go with your husband.
The Computer Engineer
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.
The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.
“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated.
I think we should clear out the fuel system.” “I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”
“Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.
“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated.
I think we should clear out the fuel system.” “I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”
“Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
The Stolen Bicycle
A priest had his bicycle stolen and thought a member of his flock was to blame. In need of advice he consulted his bishop who suggested that he root out the thief by preaching a sermon on the ten commandments.
The idea was that when the priest got to Thou shalt not steal he would pause and look around the church for anyone behaving in a guilty manner. In this way it was hoped that the culprit would give himself away.
A couple of weeks later the bishop bumped into the priest and asked him whether the plan had worked. Well yes said the priest but not quite in the way you envisaged.
I was going thru the Ten commandments one by one and when I got to thou shalt not commit adultery i remembered where i had left my bike.
The idea was that when the priest got to Thou shalt not steal he would pause and look around the church for anyone behaving in a guilty manner. In this way it was hoped that the culprit would give himself away.
A couple of weeks later the bishop bumped into the priest and asked him whether the plan had worked. Well yes said the priest but not quite in the way you envisaged.
I was going thru the Ten commandments one by one and when I got to thou shalt not commit adultery i remembered where i had left my bike.
I and My Secretary
To surprise her husband, a company executive’s wife decided
to stop by her husband's office. On entering the office,
she saw the female secretary sitting on her husband’s laps.
In order to defend himself the husband said
“budget cut or no budget cut, management must do something.
I and my secretary cannot be sharing this office with just a single seat.
to stop by her husband's office. On entering the office,
she saw the female secretary sitting on her husband’s laps.
In order to defend himself the husband said
“budget cut or no budget cut, management must do something.
I and my secretary cannot be sharing this office with just a single seat.
Election Result
Twenty Four hours After United States concluded the Presidential election.
The winner Mr Barack Obama is celebrating his victory.
The Nigerian President has just arrived to the United state with his entourage to congratulate him.
"This is really surprise" said Obama to the Nigerian President
"American are advanced, they know the results immediately after the election"
"See You" replied the Nigerian President.
"We Nigerians are more advanced, we always know the result even before the election"
The winner Mr Barack Obama is celebrating his victory.
The Nigerian President has just arrived to the United state with his entourage to congratulate him.
"This is really surprise" said Obama to the Nigerian President
"American are advanced, they know the results immediately after the election"
"See You" replied the Nigerian President.
"We Nigerians are more advanced, we always know the result even before the election"
How Did I get here?
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?".
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?", the child persisted.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?", asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no Sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?", the child persisted.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?", asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no Sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."
Where Babies Come From
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have intimacy. The daughter looks puzzled, so the mother continues. . . That means the daddy puts his Dick in the mommy's Vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's Dick in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry. |
| |
The Family Dinner
A family was having guests to dinner. At the table, the
mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and says, Dear,
would you like to say the blessing?
I wouldn't know what to say," shyly replies the little girl.
Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie.
Her daughter takes a deep breath, bows her head, and solemnly says, Dear
Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner?
mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and says, Dear,
would you like to say the blessing?
I wouldn't know what to say," shyly replies the little girl.
Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie.
Her daughter takes a deep breath, bows her head, and solemnly says, Dear
Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner?
Gambling Johnnie
Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.
After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, I think I broke his gambling. The father asked how and she said. He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.
DAMN! said the father.
What's wrong? the teacher asked.
Little Johnny's father said. This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!
After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, I think I broke his gambling. The father asked how and she said. He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.
DAMN! said the father.
What's wrong? the teacher asked.
Little Johnny's father said. This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!
Viagra Is Used For Diarrhea
The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.'
'Very good! And what is it used for?'
'It is used for headache.'
The second pupil said: 'Nytol'
'Excellent. And what it is used for?'
'To help you sleep.'
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra'
'Johnny, what is it used for?'
'I think it can be used for diarrhea.'
'Who told you this?'
'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.'
The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.'
'Very good! And what is it used for?'
'It is used for headache.'
The second pupil said: 'Nytol'
'Excellent. And what it is used for?'
'To help you sleep.'
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra'
'Johnny, what is it used for?'
'I think it can be used for diarrhea.'
'Who told you this?'
'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.'
The Soldiers And The 'Nun'
A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later". The nun agreed.
A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, ???He went that way. "
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq. "
The nun said she understood completely.
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs."
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls, I don't want to go to Iraq either"
A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, ???He went that way. "
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq. "
The nun said she understood completely.
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs."
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls, I don't want to go to Iraq either"
Monday, April 19, 2010
God Is Missing
There were two little boys, 8 and 10 years old, very mischievous and naughty. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their city, their sons were probably involved.
They boy's mother heard that a clergyman in city had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning and 10-year-old in the afternoon to see the clergyman .
The clergyman, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
They boy's mother heard that a clergyman in city had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning and 10-year-old in the afternoon to see the clergyman .
The clergyman, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Nigerian Girls
Nigerian Girls who :
Are Skinny Thinks they are Models or should be Models
Are Fat Thinks they will make better Wives
Are short Thinks they are born agains
Are tall thinks it was of their making .
Are poor thinks they are homely
Are rich thinks they are too much for one man
Are below 15 wants the time to start moving faster
Ar, e in their 20s wants the time to start moving slowly
Are in their 30s wants the time to stand still
Are in their 40s wants the time to start moving backwards
Are Christians thinks they deserve all the good men
Are Married thinks it was because they are too smart
Are not married thinks it was evil wish from their relatives
Are married to rich men thinks they should have married another rich guy if the present husband didnt come along
Are married to poor guys thinks the husband is lazy
Are lucky to have Children thinks it was because of their righteousness
Are not lucky to have Children Blame their evil relatives
(c)2010 Sam Milla
Are Skinny Thinks they are Models or should be Models
Are Fat Thinks they will make better Wives
Are short Thinks they are born agains
Are tall thinks it was of their making .
Are poor thinks they are homely
Are rich thinks they are too much for one man
Are below 15 wants the time to start moving faster
Ar, e in their 20s wants the time to start moving slowly
Are in their 30s wants the time to stand still
Are in their 40s wants the time to start moving backwards
Are Christians thinks they deserve all the good men
Are Married thinks it was because they are too smart
Are not married thinks it was evil wish from their relatives
Are married to rich men thinks they should have married another rich guy if the present husband didnt come along
Are married to poor guys thinks the husband is lazy
Are lucky to have Children thinks it was because of their righteousness
Are not lucky to have Children Blame their evil relatives
(c)2010 Sam Milla
All Work And No Play
One day, a man was sitting in his office on the 19th floor
of a building when another man came running in to his
office and shouted, “John, your daughter, Anna just died in
an accident right opposite this building”. The gentleman
was in panic. Not knowing what to do, he jumped out through
his office window.
While dropping down, as he nears the 14th floor, he
remembered he does not have a daughter named Anna. When he
was near the 7th floor, he remembered he was not even
married yet. When he was about to hit the ground, he
remembered that his name was not even John.
of a building when another man came running in to his
office and shouted, “John, your daughter, Anna just died in
an accident right opposite this building”. The gentleman
was in panic. Not knowing what to do, he jumped out through
his office window.
While dropping down, as he nears the 14th floor, he
remembered he does not have a daughter named Anna. When he
was near the 7th floor, he remembered he was not even
married yet. When he was about to hit the ground, he
remembered that his name was not even John.
The Pilot and The Hunters
A European pilot came to Nigeria and hired two local hunters to help him get some bush meat. He dropped them in the forest in a chartered plane and returned a week later
to pick them up. He looked at the 'bush meat' they had shot, there's no way the plane can take all this bush meat, we will have to leave a third of it behind.
But we did it last year, the hunters insisted.
"The pilot took the two of us and the same amount of bush meat in a plane just like yours."
The pilot hesitated but decided to take their word for it. Well, if u did it last year, i suppose we can do it again this year.
The plane took off! As it approached a nearby mountain, it could not gain height. It crashed into the side of the mountain. The pilot and the hunters crawled out of the
plane, dazed but glad to be alive. I wonder where we are the pilot asked.
One of the hunters looked around, Dont worry my friend, i think we are just 15 meters east of where we crashed last year.
The pilot faints.
to pick them up. He looked at the 'bush meat' they had shot, there's no way the plane can take all this bush meat, we will have to leave a third of it behind.
But we did it last year, the hunters insisted.
"The pilot took the two of us and the same amount of bush meat in a plane just like yours."
The pilot hesitated but decided to take their word for it. Well, if u did it last year, i suppose we can do it again this year.
The plane took off! As it approached a nearby mountain, it could not gain height. It crashed into the side of the mountain. The pilot and the hunters crawled out of the
plane, dazed but glad to be alive. I wonder where we are the pilot asked.
One of the hunters looked around, Dont worry my friend, i think we are just 15 meters east of where we crashed last year.
The pilot faints.
Divorce After 69 years
A very elderly couple appears before a judge.
“Your honor, we want a divorce.”
“A divorce?” asks the judge, “How old are you?”
“I’m 93. She’s 89.”
“And how long have you been married?”
“69 years.”
“And after 69 years, NOW you want a divorce?”
“Yes, because we cannot agree on where to go when we are dead.
“Your honor, we want a divorce.”
“A divorce?” asks the judge, “How old are you?”
“I’m 93. She’s 89.”
“And how long have you been married?”
“69 years.”
“And after 69 years, NOW you want a divorce?”
“Yes, because we cannot agree on where to go when we are dead.
16 Wives
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
The Weeping Husband
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
“Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” if you didn't I wouldn't have been in this trouble today with this woman! why did you have to die?
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? your child? your parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”
“Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” if you didn't I wouldn't have been in this trouble today with this woman! why did you have to die?
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? your child? your parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”
Master Bates
A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school.
On day One, the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school.
The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates."
"Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."
On day One, the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school.
The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates."
"Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."
Chicken in the Theatre
A man approached the window of a movie theatre with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.
"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.
"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.
"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theatre."
The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.
The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.
The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"
Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.
"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.
"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theatre."
The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.
The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.
The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"
Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
Dumb Househelp
A house help was working for her boss and madam.
The boss always eye on the house help until one day the madam travelled.
So the boss slept with the girl and says to her after intimacy "Nkechi you re so sweet"
The house help replied saying "yes oga i am sweet even the gate man says i am sweet"
The boss always eye on the house help until one day the madam travelled.
So the boss slept with the girl and says to her after intimacy "Nkechi you re so sweet"
The house help replied saying "yes oga i am sweet even the gate man says i am sweet"
Condom
Little Johnny goes to his sister's room and picks up something.
His sister tells him to give it back, she wants to keep it as a souvenir. He asks her what it is. She says, "it's a donut."
Then Little Johnny says, "give me fifty cents."
Johnny gives her the used condom, and his sister gives him 50 cents. He goes to the kitchen with a big smile on his face, and his mom asks him why he's smiling.
He says, "My sister gave me fifty cents for a donut, but I already licked out all the custard!
His sister tells him to give it back, she wants to keep it as a souvenir. He asks her what it is. She says, "it's a donut."
Then Little Johnny says, "give me fifty cents."
Johnny gives her the used condom, and his sister gives him 50 cents. He goes to the kitchen with a big smile on his face, and his mom asks him why he's smiling.
He says, "My sister gave me fifty cents for a donut, but I already licked out all the custard!
God And Adam
'God,' inquired Adam, 'Why did you make Eve so beautiful?'
'So you would love her.'
'But why did you make her so dumb?'
'So she would love you.'
'So you would love her.'
'But why did you make her so dumb?'
'So she would love you.'
Funny Questions and Answers
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, it's biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.
Q: Girl friend & boy friend went for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy friend's hand.
Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, it's biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.
Q: Girl friend & boy friend went for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy friend's hand.
Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".
Urine Test
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test !
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test !
Tribalism
A Yoruba Man was sitting with an Ibo man and a Hausa man in Mecca Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled bottles of beer, when suddenly the police entered and arrested them.
They were initially given a death sentence but, as it was a national holiday, the sheikh decided they should be released after each received 20 lashes.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh said, "It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you cannot wish not to be whipped!"
The Yoruba man thought for a second, then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping." This was done.
The Igbo man saw this and said: "Please tie two pillows to my back before whipping." This was done.
The Hausa Man saw this, but before he could make his wish, the sheikh said: "Since you share the same tribe with the President of your country, you are permitted to have two wishes!"
The Hausa Man thought for a second, then said: "Thank you, most royal and merciful highness. My first wish is to receive 100 lashes with the strongest, toughest whip
available."
"If you so desire," the sheikh replied with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?" "Tie the Ibo man to my back before the lash."
They were initially given a death sentence but, as it was a national holiday, the sheikh decided they should be released after each received 20 lashes.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh said, "It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you cannot wish not to be whipped!"
The Yoruba man thought for a second, then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping." This was done.
The Igbo man saw this and said: "Please tie two pillows to my back before whipping." This was done.
The Hausa Man saw this, but before he could make his wish, the sheikh said: "Since you share the same tribe with the President of your country, you are permitted to have two wishes!"
The Hausa Man thought for a second, then said: "Thank you, most royal and merciful highness. My first wish is to receive 100 lashes with the strongest, toughest whip
available."
"If you so desire," the sheikh replied with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?" "Tie the Ibo man to my back before the lash."
The Bus Driver
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling,
''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with,
''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with,
''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
The 1964 Incident
An old man joined the bus at Ikeja in Lagos, he managed to push through and got a seat.
It didn't take long before he realized his wallet was missing and this old man stood up and shouted , who ever that took my wallet should return it or else what happened in 1964 will repeat its self.
After some minuets the "alaye" guys quietly returned his wallet out of fear.
And the was this curious Young girl who claimed to be a journalist asking the old man what actually happened in 1964?
He replied , someone stole my wallet and I had to walk home.
It didn't take long before he realized his wallet was missing and this old man stood up and shouted , who ever that took my wallet should return it or else what happened in 1964 will repeat its self.
After some minuets the "alaye" guys quietly returned his wallet out of fear.
And the was this curious Young girl who claimed to be a journalist asking the old man what actually happened in 1964?
He replied , someone stole my wallet and I had to walk home.
Promotional Exams
A boy returned from school after the promotional
examination and the following ensued between him and his
father:
Son: Daddy, do you know what?
Daddy: No, not until you tell me my son.
Son: You are not going to buy books for me next session
Daddy: Why? Have you been given a scholarship?
Son: No! I am repeating the class.
examination and the following ensued between him and his
father:
Son: Daddy, do you know what?
Daddy: No, not until you tell me my son.
Son: You are not going to buy books for me next session
Daddy: Why? Have you been given a scholarship?
Son: No! I am repeating the class.
Hostel Rules
On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined N200 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined N600. Being caught a third time will
incur a hefty fine of N1800. ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?".
To this, a male student in the crowd inquires: "HOW MUCH FOR A COMPLETE SEASON?"
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined N200 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined N600. Being caught a third time will
incur a hefty fine of N1800. ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?".
To this, a male student in the crowd inquires: "HOW MUCH FOR A COMPLETE SEASON?"
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